Innovative Approaches to Nuclear Waste Disposal: A Few Modest Proposals

A contentious issue spanning decades remains unresolved, which, along with the recent spectacular fireworks at Fukushima, has prodded me into writing this selfless blog. I have ideas and the world needs them desperately. We are all well aware of the benefits and luxurious safety of Nuclear Power; it is one of the greatest inventions and assets of this brave new world. So why are some malcontents whining about it? Well, that's just what malcontents do: they whine. They lead unfulfilled lives of insignificance, and so must inevitably vent their futility onto a world that couldn't care less. It's best to be proactive rather than reactive. It is therefore my pleasure to present these modest proposals regarding the regulation and disposal of Nuclear Waste.

1. There exists a plenitude of land that will inevitably be dedicated to the storage of said waste. This land burden will be fulfilled one way or another, making it extremely profitable to discard it with judicious dispassion, alacrity, and equanimity. Since Yucca Mountain is not large enough as a facility, more sites are clearly called for. Calling it a "Repository" is PR gold. Many areas exist that are not very useful, and which therefore serve little if any societal purpose. One such area is a very good candidate for NWD, not only due to its relatively remote nature, but to its readymade and world famous concavity. I refer, of course, to the utilitarian master planner's dream, the Grand Canyon. The Grand Canyon is 446 km long, ranges from 6.4 to 29 km in width and is 1.6 km at its deepest point. It is a prime candidate just waiting to be filled. It's unnecessary to fill all of it, at least not yet and certainly not all at once - when the outcry arises, that fact can be pointed out as a grand initial selling point.

We must not discount potential uses of so-called tribal lands. Since they proved quite useful when it came to mining uranium to begin with there is a certain symmetry in dumping it back at the source, an action easily sold as returning to Natives their rightful property. Moreover, I forsee no difficulty in preserving the Grand Canyon's status as National Park since there are always eager officials within NPS in need of financial assistance.

Diverting the Colorado River would pose certain engineering challenges, yet with careful planning and due diligence, it could all be sent safely to Las Vegas, which as everyone knows is in dire need of water if we're to maintain our corporate interests there. Thus, by using the Grand Canyon as disposal site as well as re-directing all of the Colorado to Las Vegas, two problems could be solved at once and much wealth spread around. Think of the economic utility of such an option! Such a scheme represents the ultimate stimulus package. Packaging and publicly presenting Environmental Impact Studies would be as easy as portraying Iraq as rabid haven of WMDs, and Operation Odyssey Dawn as humanitarian endeavor. Getting the cheap (and highly expendable) labor from south of the border in the usual way would naturally be indispensable, but the public need not be aware of it; in fact, from a Public Relations perspective, the less said about this entire proposal, the better.

2. If resistance can't be totally suppressed with Perception Management techniques, then the Grand Canyon is obviously out of the question, in which case it might be easier to simply spread the material around liberally even more so than present policy permits. The somewhat distressing resurgence in health fanaticism on the part of the proles could be used to our advantage by resurrecting certain tonics, and certainly uranium makes a great construction material as many Native Americans have discovered. Perhaps comporting our waste management policy with the admonition against all eggs being placed in one basket is necessary. In this regard, "The solution to pollution is dilution" is a wonderful slogan, especially since it rhymes, which helps lodge it deep inside feeble heads. This tactic makes our task even simpler than previously assessed for a number of reasons, not least of which is widespread recognition of the utility of DU as kinetic transformation agent on the numerous battlefields in the Global Gap region. We could even call such a policy "Nuclear Democracy". "One Man, One Atom" is just the sort of slogan that might go a long way towards bashing any and all vitality out of any nascent dissenting movements - after all, it worked for "Atoms for Peace." If Public Relations teaches us anything, it is that a dedicated elite can convince anybody of anything if the process of manufacturing consent is merely conducted with all due diligence. Widespread ignorance regarding all forms of radiation and their many effects is our ally. It's invisible, which automatically invokes the out of sight out of mind doctrine we recently used with such effectiveness regarding the Gulf oil spill.

We must also remember what our dear Lord Bertrand Russell said in his short masterpiece, The Impact of Science On Society:

"I think the subject which will be of most importance politically is mass psychology....Its importance has been enormously increased by the growth of modern methods of [persuasion]. Of these the most influential is what is called 'education.' Religion plays a part, though a diminishing one; the press, the cinema, and the radio play an increasing part....It may be hoped that in time anybody will be able to persuade anybody of anything if he can catch the patient young and is provided by the State with money and equipment.

"The subject will make great strides when it is taken up by scientists under a scientific [command and control superstructure - S]....The social psychologists of the future will have a number of classes of school children on whom they will try different methods of producing an unshakable conviction that snow is black. Various results will soon be arrived at. First, that the influence of home is obstructive. Second, that not much can be done unless indoctrination begins before the age of ten. Third, that verses set to music and repeatedly intoned are very effective. Fourth, that the opinion that snow is white must be held to show a morbid taste for eccentricity. But I anticipate. It is for future scientists to make these maxims precise and discover exactly how much it costs per head to make children believe that snow is black, and how much less it would cost to make them believe it is dark gray.

"Although this science will be diligently studied, it will be rigidly confined to the governing class."

Not only is Lord Russell's delightful scenario instructive, but its elegant utility must never be overlooked if we are going to continue effective herd brutalization.

3. Commoner hospitals, senility storage centers, hospices, and graveyards form what I call the continuum of decrepitude and represent nothing less than wasted space since they're only biological waste disposal and treatment areas, and thus far too limiting and ultimately counterproductive as mere repositories of biological detritus. The same is true of monuments to deceased "founding fathers". There is much advertising as well as storage potential practically everywhere we look, and the two elements should obviously be combined wherever appropriate. For example, with a coat of green paint the Washington Monument could easily be transformed into a glorious symbol of spent fuel rods, and the toothless fool's ostentatious grave and plantation could even come in handy once all is gutted, chambered with a useful storage facility, and covered with topsoil. "Going green" should be pervasively manifest in starkly inescapable ways.

I think a combination of the above policy possibilities could well lead us towards a synthesis of resolutions regarding the touchy Nuclear Waste Disposal issue. Greater study is needed, but as seed ideas the aforementioned potential solutions appear quite promising indeed. As long as we crush dissent in its cradle and use controlled opposition to channel lingering resistance into supporting our solutions, trajectory to absolute victory is secure.

This brief has been forwarded to the NRC through the usual channels.